Helping Your Kids Settle After Moving Overseas: The First Few Weeks at a New School

Moving overseas with kids is a huge undertaking.

There is obviously a heap to do before you actually leave – like ensuring you’ve got visas sorted and arranging flights (which your school may or may not help you with), enrolling your kids at school and thinking about where you’ll live and how to ship your belongings.

But once that’s all done, you actually arrive – and the adventure really begins! 

The boxes eventually turn up (well, hopefully!). You find the closest supermarket and work out local prices and cost of living. You work out how the kids will get to school. You buy a SIM card, figure out public transport and start getting your head around a completely different way of life.

And then your kids actually start school.

This is the point we’re at right now.

We’ve recently moved to Budapest as a family of five, with three children at very different stages – 14, 12 and 8. And while we’ve done the international move thing before, we are very aware that every move is different and comes with a whole new set of challenges.

That’s because arriving in a new country and feeling settled in a new country are two very different things.

For parents, especially after a long summer break, it can be tempting to think that once kids start school, everything will fall into place.

And sometimes it does, especially if your kids are younger and there’s less anxiety about making friends and settling in. But sometimes it definitely doesn’t.

Often it can look like everything is fine on the outside, but inside your child is super anxious and trying to work out where they fit in a whole new social environment.

So, if you’re thinking about moving internationally with your kids – either as an international teaching family or as an expat – here are some things I’m still learning along the way to help your kids navigate the first few weeks and months.

Feeling Settled Takes Time

Even within the same family, how quickly it takes for you to feel settled will vary. Your kids will respond to an international move completely differently from each other – and you (and your partner). 

One kid might walk into their new classroom, make a firm friend and declare that they love their new school.

Another might be perfectly happy at school but exhausted (and completely overstimulated) by the end of every day.

And one might seem completely fine for the first few weeks and then suddenly have a big wobble.

If you have older kids and teens, then it can be particularly challenging. That’s because they’re not just leaving a house or a school but whole friendship groups, sports teams, and familiar routines that they’ve spent years building and were very comfortable with. 

Younger kids can typically be more adaptable, but they can still miss familiar people and routines – and every kid is different.

So where possible, try not to compare your kids’ experiences (even though, as a parent, it’s incredibly easy to do). If you’re a teacher or expat getting used to a new working environment, you know how stressful and overwhelming it can be (and equally so as a partner who isn’t working and is trying to manage all the set-ups in your new home). So think about how you’re feeling when considering how your kids are going – it can be tough for everyone.

School Is Just One Part

Starting school is obviously a big milestone after an international move. But it’s not just a new school (with a potentially new curriculum and very different approach in terms of rules/expectations) that your child is also having to learn – but an entirely new environment outside the classroom.

For example:

• Where do we buy food?
• How do we get to school?
• Where is the nearest park?
• How does public transport work?
• What do families do on weekends?
• Where do we go if someone is sick?
• Which shops sell the things they like?

Even small things can require a surprising amount of mental energy when everything is unfamiliar! One of our priorities in the lead-up and the first few weeks of school is trying to establish some normality around the school day – and establishing routines as quickly as possible. Especially during the week (weekends are far more flexible and everyone is typically exhausted!).

When everything around you is new, familiar routines can be really helpful in providing a sense of stability.

Familiarity Helps 

One of the reasons we choose to live overseas is to experience somewhere different – new cultures, traditions and experiences.

But that doesn’t mean giving up everything familiar that offers lots of comfort to your kids! 

Favourite foods, books, TV shows, sports, hobbies, family traditions, or even just having the same bedtime routine can make a big difference. 

As can keeping in touch with old friends and family from home. 

But – be mindful they’ve still got plenty of opportunities to make connections in your new home. If your teenager is constantly on the phone to old friends and not making an effort to connect with new people at school, it can make settling all that much harder (though it’s obviously a fine balance).

Keep Early Weekends Free

As much as you want to DO ALL THE THINGS and get out and explore your new home, when school starts it can be hugely exhausting for your kids. And they may need some serious downtime on the weekends.

They’ve spent the week navigating a new school (especially for older kids in secondary school – even just finding classrooms can be a challenge in the first few weeks), new teachers, new classmates, new routines and probably a whole lot of information, which can be a lot.

As much as you’re ready to get and explore your new home, they don’t necessarily need another packed weekend.

Sometimes going to the park, watching a movie, finding a local café or just hanging around at home is exactly what they need.

We’re trying to find that balance between exploring our new home and giving everyone time to breathe.

Finding Their People

Finding friends can be one of the hardest parts of an international move, especially for older kids and teens.

That’s where the school community can make a big difference.

Encourage your children to get involved in something they already enjoy – playing a team sport (our kids love football), music, drama, art or another club or activity that they’re genuinely interested in. They don’t need to do everything – but outside of classes these types of activities can be a great way to meet like-minded people. 

It’s also important to explain to your kids that unlike when they were younger, friendships don’t always happen immediately.

Sometimes the first few weeks are about recognising faces, learning names and thinking about who ‘your people’ are. It will take time, but in a few months hopefully your kids have found their people – and are feeling a whole lot more settled.

Talk About School (But No Interrogations)

I’ve asked my kids so many times how their day was, and all I typically get is a simple ‘Fine’ answer – which doesn’t obviously shed any real insights into how their day is and how they’re coping! 

This move I’ve tried asking more specific questions – but still taking a soft approach so I’m not asking rapid fire questions one after another.

For example:

• Who did you sit with?
• What was the funniest thing that happened today?
• What was easy?
• Was there anything that confused you?
• Did you learn anything you didn’t expect?
• Who did you talk to?

Although personally I feel that at least with my kids, the best conversations are led by your kids – usually walking home or getting dinner ready – or typically bedtime for my youngest!

Transition Affects The Whole Family

It can sometimes be easy to overlook, but your international move is affecting everyone in the family differently. If you’re starting a new job at school as an international teacher, with kids starting at the same school, the transition is different for everyone. 

As a teacher, you’re no doubt learning new systems you may not be entirely comfortable with, or taking on different curriculum or subjects.

The kids are learning new routines.

The non-teaching parent may be trying to establish an entirely new life.

So it’s not surprising the whole family is tired…. And cranky.

I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve asked myself why on earth we are doing this to ourselves again – because moving is hard. Change is hard. For everyone. It’s tiring. And stressful. 

But it gets better. And can be amazing. Just remember that you don’t have to have everything sorted immediately – which can be hard in itself!

Mixed Feelings Are Normal

Your kids are going to have mixed feelings with such a big move – which is perfectly normal – even if it’s hard as parents who made the choice to make such a big change.

As parents, we ultimately made the move. And you’ve probably talked about moving nonstop since the decision was made, bringing up all the amazing opportunities the new country and school would bring.

So when one of our kids says they miss where we lived last, it’s tempting to immediately reassure them.

“You’ll love it here.”

“You’ll make friends.”

“Just give it time.”

And while all those may be true, it’s not helpful in the moment. It’s not up to us to fix their feelings or try to change the way they feel. Let them miss home. It’s completely normal (even if it does make you feel incredibly guilty).

You can be excited about your new life and still miss your old one.

Keep An Open Mind

I think every international teaching family (and expat family) needs this reminder.

The first few weeks of an international move are a strange combination of excitement, exhaustion, admin, discovery and utter chaos.

That’s because you’re learning how things work (even basic things like the best supermarket to shop at for school lunches). Your kids are definitely still finding their feet and forming early friendships. As much as you try, you’re still establishing routines (especially if you’re waiting for extracurricular activities to start and can’t work out schedules yet). 

You may not even feel particularly at home in your own house (especially if you’re still waiting for shipping). And if you’re teaching, you may be feeling completely overwhelmed with a new system, classes, expectations or way of working. 

So, as hard as it is, try not to make judgments about how well this move is going based on how you’re feeling in the first few weeks alone. It can honestly take a good 12 months (or varying highs and lows) to start to feel semi-comfortable with a big international move. Give it time.

Some days will probably feel amazing. While some will feel ordinary or downright sucky (we all miss home sometimes). Some will probably involve someone asking why you ever decided to move. It’s all part and parcel of an international move. 

Your Kids Will Get There

I think this is the biggest thing I’m reminding myself of at the moment: the kids aren’t going to love it immediately – it will take time for them to feel comfortable in their new school and home life. 

As parents, it’s up to us to help them feel safe and supported so they’ve got the confidence to build up connections and make a life in a new place. Which obviously takes time. For some kids that might be a week, for others a few months. 

Often you won’t realise they’ve settled until you suddenly notice that they’re talking about their new friends, asking to go hang out on the weekends or telling you about something that happened at school – without you having to probe.

We’re still very much in the early stages of our transition. And as much as I’d love to say ‘here’s how to solve it all ’, it doesn’t unfortunately work that way. Each family needs to figure it out as you go. 

Moving overseas with kids doesn’t suddenly become easy when you arrive. The first few weeks are another stage of the transition.

Give everyone – including yourself – plenty of time for adjustment. Build routines, keep the familiar things that matter and help your kids to find their people. You’ll get there!